I'm on a boat and, it's going fast and, I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan...

I have a new favorite YouTube/SNL video of all time. If you're my Facebook friend or Twitter follower you already know:
The Lonely Island - I'm On A Boat...



I love it with every ounce of my being. The entire range of my sense of humor is reached in some way throughout this video. It's obviously a little stupid but I love the cleverness, the parody, the semi-obscure references, the way it holds up to many popular rap songs, the movements, just about everything.

I have been quite busy. My other blog: scarcerecords.blogspot.com has been taking up a bit more of my time even though it has even fewer readers than this one and is pretty boring.

It's almost baseball season, thank God. A-Roid is guilty and I am very excited for 2009 baseball. College basketball has been a good holdover but Duke, in all of our amazing effort, simply doesn't have enough talent to be atop the NCAA, let alone the ACC. For shame, too, as we almost beat UNC last night.

Movie watching has slowed. I've seen The Uninvited, Last Chance Harvey, Waltz With Bashir, Zack & Miri, Notorious and maybe one other since my last post. Not sure where to rank them yet. Except for The Uninvited which is the 2nd worst movie of 2008 (or does it count as the worst of 2009?)

Record collecting has picked up. I have changed the focus of my collection and now I am looking strictly for high end stuff. It's been fun. I always love redoing my record collection. It is nice to get a new appreciation for something you already have and have spent such an outrageous amount of time and money on.

Been playing baseball a little bit. Thinking about joining a softball league. I figure a softball league will help me decide if I'm terrible at baseball and should thus not pursue a real league league. Plus it will likely be fun.

I have a new boss at work who is the exact opposite of the old boss, for better or worse. It's been very difficult to adjust but I'm getting there.

Was talking about this the other day, top 5 favorite and least favorite sports franchises, in order, just to go on the record. I think I already posted the favorites awhile back, I don't remember...

1. Boston Red Sox
2. Duke Blue Devils Basketball
3. Georgia Bulldogs Football
4. Jeff Gordon
5. Georgia Bulldogs Basketball

1. New York Yankees
2. University Of North Carolina Tar Heels
3. University of Florida Gators
4. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
5. Tennessee Volunteers

Just for shits and giggles, I think I'll also rank every sports team by league in the next week or 2. Here's the NBA:

1. Atlanta Hawks
2. Boston Celtics
3. Houston Rockets (only b/c they have Battier)
4. Detroit Pistons (only b/c they have Iverson)
5. Orlando Magic
6. New Orleans Hornets
7. Cleveland Cavaliers
8. Philadelphia 76ers
9. Portland Trail Blazers
10. Denver Nuggets
11. Oklahoma City Thunder
12. Chicago Bulls (current team, not Jordan team)
13. Los Angeles Clippers
14. Minnesota Timberwolves
15. Miami Heat
16. Golden State Warriors
17. Utah Jazz
18. Memphis Grizzlies
19. Phoenix Suns
20. San Antonio Spurs
21. New Jersey Nets
22. Toronto Raptors
23. Washington Wizards
24. Milwaukee Bucks
25. Sacramento Kings
26. Charlotte Bobcats
27. Dallas Mavericks
28. Indiana Pacers
29. New York Knicks
30. Los Angeles Lakers

That's all. Time to go do stuff. Hopefully youve found something in this post of personal interest. I'm on a boat!

Seventy Freakin Movies

Seventy. That's a lot of movies. Plus we, at long last, have a brand new #1 movie of the year. Considering it's been the same #1 since I first posted the list, I'd say this is pretty sweet. I've seen a lot of the better 2008 movies since we last met, blog readers, so check out the top of the list and whatnot. Also, effing comment already.

Announcement: I have a 2nd blog that appeals to you all even less than this one: http://scarcerecords.blogspot.com/

I don't know why you'd want to read me rambling on about records (vinyl) but I do it anyway.

About a week ago I started working out of the "South Metro" office of Neighbor Newspapers. I now cover Fayette, Henry, Clayton and South Fulton counties. Alone. This amounts to me being very busy at work but it's not so bad.

I am addicted to Twitter. I am also quite fond of eBay. I've got to start using this blog to share shit I find online because I can't think of any good reason for you to be reading it.

Duke basketball is #1 in the country and I am firmly convinced they are the best team in the country at the moment. What they did to Maryland the other day was amazing. I can't wait to see what they do to Wake Forest tomorrow night and then the hurting they'll put on UNC in a few weeks. I love this team as much as any Duke team since 2002.

Soooooooo here's the 70 movies, surrounded by a few of my favorite GIF files. Enjoy.

70. Happening, The
69. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
68. Eye, The
67. Mamma Mia
66. Jumper
65. Promotion, The
64. Family That Preys, The
63. Charlie Bartlett
62. Zombie Strippers
61. Drillbit Taylor
60. Definitely, Maybe
59. Incredible Hulk, The
58. Journey To The Center Of The Earth
57. House Bunny, The
56. Baby Mama
55. Semi-Pro
54. Tale Of Despereaux, The
53. Hancock
52. Meet Dave
51. Hamlet 2
50. Hellboy 2
49. What Happens In Vegas
48. You Don't Mess With The Zohan
47. Step Brothers
46. Wanted
45. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
44. Yes Man
43. Marley & Me
42. Zack And Miri Make A Porno
41. Love Guru, The
40. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
39. Fools Gold
38. Pineapple Express
37. Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, The
36. Appaloosa
35. Choke
34. Valkyrie
33. In Bruges
32. Australia
31. Happy-Go-Lucky
30. Leatherheads
29. Felon
28. Kung Fu Panda
27. Horton Hears A Who
26. Tropic Thunder
25. Rocker, The
24. Boy A
23. Deception
22. Revolutionary Road
21. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
20. Vantage Point
19. Milk
18. Get Smart
17. Role Models
16. Wrestler, The
15. Bolt
14. Let The Right One In
13. Gran Torino
12. Doubt
11. Burn After Reading
10. Iron Man
9. Changeling
8. Seven Pounds
7. Frost/Nixon
6. Man On Wire
5. My Blueberry Nights
4. Dark Knight, The
3. Synecdoche New York
2. WALL-E
1. Slumdog Millionaire

A Survey About 2008

Looking back at 2008
Borrowed this from Phillip who borrowed it from Katy...

Where did you begin 2008?
Gainesville, Florida in a repulsive bar around very few people I still speak to.

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
See previous question

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Nope

Did you have to go to the hospital?
Nope

Did you have any encounters with the police?
My all time greatest police encounter: I had the police called on me for going to get my stuff back from my ex before the police ultimately decided that I had every right to do what I did and she would've been breaking the law if she'd kept me from doing it. I am not very good at capturing the epicity of this in words.

Where did you go on vacation?
I can't remember any true vacations. Just lots of mini ones.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
Uhh... I can't remember

Did you know anybody who got married?
Didn't go to any weddings this year (except in the 1st week of Jan) but my friend Brendan got married the other day.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
Probably.

Did you move anywhere?
From Athens to Lithia Springs in January. From Lithia Springs to Buckhead in July. Hoping to be there for awhile.

What sporting events did you attend?
A ton. 2-3 Hawks games, at least 10 Braves games, 1 UGA football game, 1 Thrashers game, 2 NASCAR races, 11-12 high school football games, several other random high school games, and probably some I'm forgetting.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
Of Montreal in Athens recently. I'm sure I saw others but it wouldve been much earlier in the year.

Where do you live now?
Atlanta, GA

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008?
Oooh... uhh... I'll go with "Enjoy a new Jason Mraz song"

What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
Game 5 of the ALCS. There is no greater feeling.

What's something you learned about yourself?
I learned a lot about love. Stuff like what really matters in a relationship...

Any new additions to your family?
I'm sure my brother has impregnated a few mexicans that we don't know about.

What was your best month?
June. But I can't say why or else I'll get sued.

What music will you remember 2008 by?
Hip-Hop in general. T.I., Lil Wayne, Chris Breezy... Living in Atlanta has really broadened my Hip Hoprizons. I expanded my Indie tastes too but to a much lesser degree. I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting.

Made new friends?
Actually I've made a ton of new friends. I still don't know how this happened. Most of the people linked to the right for fellow blogs were people I wasn't that close with this time last year. I'm pretty glad about that.

Favorite Night[s] out?
The Of Montreal concert... the night with Tyler and his work friends... and best of all, the night at the Venezias til 4am.

Any regrets?
Always.

What do you want to change in 2009?
I dunno, I did most of my changing in late 2008. I guess I'd like to lose weight and improve my faith but I've been working on those things for years now.

Overall, how would you rate this year?
Pretty crappy. No sports titles outside of the Georgia Basketball SEC championship... Spent a lot of time in relationships that are no longer going... Never overly thrilled with my work situation... I dunno. The year certainly had some high spots, too, but generally it won't be missed.

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Friends houses, movie theatres, sporting events, work...

Change your hairstyle?
I keep it short now. That's probably not something I was doing this time last year.

Get a new job?
Yeah.

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Sort of. Already mentioned it earlier.

Did anything embarrassing happen?
Hmm... probably... nothing comes to mind off hand.

Buy anything new from eBay?
Not as much as last year. Money hasn't been free flowing.

What was/were your favorite purchase[s]?
This laptop is certainly up there. My GPS, my crappy but excellent service phone, all of my books, DVDs and records, my DVD rack (i know, lame), the lunch boxes, everything pertaining to the Red Sox, work clothes, the Wii... I'm forgetting some.

Get married or divorced?
Haha!

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
I hate everyone who watches this show including members of my family.

Did you get sick this year?
Of course. I'm still fighting off the damn cough from it, too. I'm on prescription meds though so it's almost over.

Start a new hobby?
Book reading/collecting! Also: lunch boxes (even though I only have 6), and then just expanding upon other hobbies... I also slowed/stopped some hobbies (I rarely buy new Red Sox hats)...

Are you happy to see 2008 go?
Absolutely. Anything I liked about 2008 could easily be repeated in 2009 whereas the crappy stuff is stuck in 08.

Drank Starbucks in 2008?
Yes. I love the Starbucks vibe: the music, the mugs, the people... but all of their beverages are awful. Which is why I am addicted to Octane which has all of the better parts of this minus commercialism.

What are you wishing for in 2009?
Red Sox World Series, Duke championship, UGA championship (2010?), love, money, health, the continuation of my favorite hobbies, a new job, Hanley Ramirez in a Red Sox jersey, Mark Teixeira's death... a fantasy football championship, the movie "The Road" to be brilliant, a new brilliant Sufjan Stevens album, Bob Dylan doesn't die... I don't die either.


I'll be back tomorrow with actual Best-Ofs for 2008.

Favorite Office Monologue Ever

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he’s the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier."

Some Funny Stuff

Since I generally only post narcissistic (sp?) jibber jabber (and why not? I rule) I figured I should probably share some stuff you might theoretically enjoy:

YouTube goodness:
Mario Kart Love Song
Dark Knight PSA (stolen from Ryan)
Glorious Baby Shower
Numa Numa Returns "Live Your Life" To The Internet
Stavenhagen's Food Pawn Shop
Pepperbee's Satisfaction Guaranteed
Dark Knight Spoilers (some of these are old, granted)

Other goodness:
Most Baffling Book Titles
Chattanooga Prostitution Ring
225 Demotivational Posters

Last but not least,
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog never, ever disappoints me.

Strange Encounters With Minor Celebrities

It has been a strange week.
Obviously, I live and breathe the Boston Red Sox. I know more about the Red Sox than most people I know and I just about never leave home without a Red Sox hat on my head.
As I do this, I get a lot of attention from strangers who want to offer their two cents on the Red Sox. Generally, I am okay with this, but a lot of times it gets annoying because it usually goes the same direction every single time.
Today, I stopped in an antique store in a part of Atlanta that I almost never visit. The store itself I had never been to and had I had even the slightest better plan for something to do, I would not have stopped, I was just bored and I generally like looking at antique stores.
As I am sifting through books and records a tall African American man approaches me and begins to ask me questions about the Red Sox and my interest in them.
"You a Red Sox fan?"
"Ahh-yuh"
I was not enthused about this particular conversation and I made little eye contact.
"You know a lot about the Red Sox?"
"Yep..."
"Alright..." Here, begins to formulate a random trivia question about the Red Sox that I am already aware will determine how he views me and all white 24 year old men who wear Red Sox hats into random antique stores forever.
He begins... "Who was the hitting coach for the 2004 World Series Champion Red Sox team?"
Now, like I said, I am no bandwagoner. I have loved the Red Sox for a long time. I can tell you the THIRD BASE COACH from that team, the songs that played during the post-game celebration after game four of that team's championship and several other completely inconsequential facts about them. However, for some reason, I did not know who the hitting coach for the 2004 Red Sox was.
"Dave Magadan?" I say.
"Nope, he's the hitting coach now."
"Ah. Crap. I forget."
"I'll give you a hint. His nickname was Papa Jack."
"Uhhh... Still don't know. I'm drawing a blank."
"Ron Jackson."
"Ohh, yeah, sounds familiar." It did sound familiar.
"Alright, who played first base for that team?"
"Doug Mientkewicz and Kevin Millar."
"Second base."
"Pokey Reese and Mark Bellhorn."
"Shortstop."
"Orlando Cabrera"
"Third base."
"Ugh, Bill Muller."
"Alright, alright. Have you ever seen a 2004 World Series ring."
By this time I am pretty annoyed and, again, not paying him much eye contact. "I've seen pictures, of course. I've never seen one in person."
Around this time I turn over towards him. He is holding his hand out and reaching to it with his other hand to remove his ring, a 2004 World Series championship ring.
The ring itself is valued in jewels alone at well over $20,000. The historical significance of THIS Red Sox team and what it means to people like myself make it virtually priceless.
He hands it to me.
I read the name. Ron Jackson.

Just to recap: This man approached me to ask me questions about himself. In an antique store. In Decatur, Georgia. Wow.

I, of course, apologize profusely for not knowing him. Once I stopped being a douche and started taking a better look at him, he looked extremely familiar and if one had asked me what role Ron Jackson had on the 2004 Boston Red Sox, I would have surely answered "hitting coach." Unfortunately for me, that is not how the initial question was phrased.
Fortunately for me, Ron Jackson is an exceptionally nice man. He shook my hand and talked baseball with me for awhile. At one point I went off to the other side of the building to call my father who suggested I take a picture. My phone however is a piece of crap without a camera on it so I was seemingly S.O.L. Luckily, there was a Big Lots store in this bizarro shopping center so I was able to run over and grab a disposable camera for $3 and get back in time to catch Jackson before he left. He was more than willing to pose with me and he again handed me the ring so that I would get to hold it in the picture. Unfortunately I have to take 25 more pictures before I can get this developed and share it with you all, but I could not wait to tell the story.
Jackson went on to tell me a lot of funny anecdotes about the Sox. He works in the Astros organization but definitely knows his legacy was with that team. He talked about his friendship with David Ortiz and offered some very interesting insights to various Red Sox happenings. We talked for quite awhile. One especially interesting part was his story about Kevin Youkilis.
Youkilis is known for his incredible plate discipline but he was never known as a good hitter until he met Jackson. Jackson demonstrated how Youkilis USED to hold his bat and then how he holds his bat now and how it was based on his suggestion. Youkilis has one of the most unique and recognizable swings in baseball and is now a notorious power hitter and MVP candidate. At some point during this part of the conversation I literally looked around as though I was on candid camera. "Is this really happening?"

Looking back at this strange and awesome meeting, it seems even more bizarre. I mean it would be pretty unusual to run into a Braves player or manager or something in this city, let alone an integral part of one of the greatest Red Sox teams ever. He lives in Fayetteville now and was in the area visiting family. For what it's worth, he was very interested in my life and who I was and asked me almost as much as I asked him. Although it is a little unusual to solicit such attention, I cannot sing his praises enough.

If you've seen the title of this blog posting, you may have noticed that I said "celebrities" which is plural. Ron Jackson is not the only minor celebrity I have met this week. The other was a little bit more orchestrated.

John Hodgman had a book signing at my local Barnes and Noble store. You may know him as the PC in the Apple Mac vs. PC commercials. He is also frequently hilariously featured on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and has now written two great books. This book tour was to promote "More Information Than You Require," his latest book which came out in late October. I would have been perfectly content if he had just answered questions and then signed books but he actually spoke for 90 minutes and was utterly hilarious. He told of how he came to become a "famous minor television personality" and was very willing to make fun of any and all audience members. He is unbelievably clever and all in all it was a great pleasure to meet him.
He had made a cameo appearance on the first season of Flight Of The Conchords so I had him sign my Conchords DVD cover. He crossed off the word "Conchords" and wrote "Hodgman."
This followed in a pattern as he crossed off his name on the title page of the book and then signed it beneath. I am a big fan of this type of humor and now a big fan of Mr. Hodgman. Also, having now delved into his book, I have to say it is definitely worth a look-see.

Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this up finally. I saw Kung Fu Panda yesterday so I'm gonna put that in the list:
18. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
17. Charlie Bartlett
16. Definitely, Maybe
15. Incredible Hulk, The
14. Semi-Pro
13. You Don't Mess With The Zohan
12. Step Brothers
11. Horton Hears A Who
10. Pineapple Express
9. Kung Fu Panda
8. Role Models
7. Get Smart
6. Burn After Reading
5. Iron Man
4. Changeling
3. My Blueberry Nights
2. Dark Knight, The
1. WALL-E

Guess Who's Back, Back Again, Shady's Back, Tell A Friend

I have a new favorite song of all time.

T.I. & Rihanna - Live Your Life

Hip Hop + Numa Numa = Full integration between the races.

The lyrics, without further ado:

You're gonna be a shining star, in fancy clothes, and fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go foward,
Cause everyone knows, just who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
Your steady chasing that paper,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
You got no time for no hata's
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take ya,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser,
Just living my life (Ay!), my life (Oh!), my life (Ay!), my life(Oh!),
just living my life (Ay!), my life (Oh!), my life (Ay!), my life(Oh!),
just living my life
Nevermind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away.
Amazing they ungreatful after all the game I gave away.
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today.
You still be wasting days away, now had I never saved the day.
Consider them my projay, how much I think they should pay.
Instead of being gracious, they violated and made you wait.
I never been a hater still I love them, in a crazy way.
Some say they so yay and know they couldn't even work on Labor day.
It aint that they black or white, their hands of area in shades of grey.
I'm West side anyway, even if I left the game and stayed away.
Some move away to make a way not move away cause they afraid.
I give back to the hood and all you ever did was take away.
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt they face away.
Like I once made them scream, now I could make them plead their case away.
Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break.
You rather see me catch a case, and watch my future fade away.
(Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, in fancy clothes, and fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go forward,
Cause everyone knows, just who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
Your steady chasing that paper,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
You got no time for no hata's
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take ya,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser,
Just living my life
(T.I.):I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished
With the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid.
Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics.
Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick.
Whoever having problems wit, they record sales just holla Tip
If that don't work and all else fails, then turn around and follow Tip
I got love for the game but ay, I'm not in love with all of it.
I do without the fame and the rappers nowadays are comedy.
The hootin' and the hollerin', back and forth with the argueing.
Where you from, who you know, what you make and what kind of car you in.
Seems as though you lost sight of whats important with the positive.
And checks until your bank account, and you're about poverted.
Your values is a disarrayed, prioritized are horribly.
Unhappy with the riches cause you piss poor morraly.
Ignoring all prior advice and fore warning.
And we mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden, aren't we?
(Rihanna):You're gonna be a shining star, in fancy clothes, and fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far,
Cause everyone knows, just who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
You steady chasing that paper,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
You got no time for no hata's
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take ya,
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser,
Just living my life (Ay!), my life (Oh!), my life (Ay!), my life(Oh!),
just living my life (Ay!), my life (Oh!), my life (Ay!), my life(Oh!),
So live your life
Got everbody watching what I docome walk in my shoes
and see the way Im livin if you really want to
got my mind on my moneyand Im not goin awaaay
So keep on getting ya paper and keep on climbing
looking in the mirror and keep on shining
till the game ends till the clock stop
we gonna post up on the top spot
living the life, the life
brand new city got my whole team with me
the life, my life
I do what I wanna do
Im living my life, my life
I will neva lose
Im living my life, my life
and Im not stopping

I Could Dance With You Until The Cows Come Home. On Second Thought, I'd Rather Dance With The Cows Till You Come Home

It's Vinyl Find Of The Week day. At left we have Chuck Willis - The King Of The Stroll. This record is worth about $300 and is in excellent shape. Willis died pretty young so we aren't overly familiar with his work but apparently he was very popular as an early rock/R&B musician. The photo doesn't do it justice but it's a really good looking album, as most Atlantic releases from that time were. I believe I paid something like $5 to $8 for this, so it was a steal at a Marietta Square antique store that normally overcharges for everything they have. Generally speaking I don't pay more than $3 apiece for records unless it's something special and this clearly is something special, especially considering the condition it was/is in. I will probably put this one up on my wall when I finally get to working on my room in that way. I don't have a whole lot else to talk about today so here's a bunch of quotes from the movie "Duck Soup" by the Marx Brothers. As you will see, it is one of the funniest movies ever made and you don't have to watch the movies to appreciate the quotes. A lot of my blog entry titles are some of Groucho's incredible witticisms.

Rufus T. Firefly: I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you're on your own.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it? Chicolini: I've done it already. Rufus T. Firefly: You've done what? Chicolini: I've changed to the other side. Rufus T. Firefly: So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here? Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio? Bob Roland: Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your excellency. Rufus T. Firefly: You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?
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Bob Roland: Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face. Rufus T. Firefly: Why didn't Vera slap your face? Bob Roland: She did. Rufus T. Firefly: What'd you say to her? [Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face] Rufus T. Firefly: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story? Bob Roland: Why, you told it to me. Rufus T. Firefly: Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Now, what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours? Chicolini: Atsa good one. I give you three guesses. Rufus T. Firefly: Now let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia... Is it male or female? Chicolini: No, I no think so. Rufus T. Firefly: Is he dead? Chicolini: Who? Rufus T. Firefly: I don't know. I give up. Chicolini: I give up, too.
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Rufus T. Firefly: How would you like a job in the mint? Chicolini: Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh - what other flavor you got?
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Rufus T. Firefly: You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Dig trenches, with our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made. Here, run out and get some trenches. Wait a minute, get them this high [gestures to his chin] Rufus T. Firefly: and our soldiers won't need any pants. Wait a minute, get them this high [gestures over his head] Rufus T. Firefly: and we won't need any soldiers.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth. Chicolini: I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon. Ambassador Trentino: What? Rufus T. Firefly: I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
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Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus? Prosecutor: That's irrelevant. Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa the answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it? Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do. Rufus T. Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
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Minister of Finance: Here is the Treasury Department's report, sir. I hope you'll find it clear. Rufus T. Firefly: Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. [to Bob Roland] Rufus T. Firefly: Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
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Rufus T. Firefly: [to Chicolini] I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.
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Prosecutor: Chicolini, you are charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot. Chicolini: I object. Prosecutor: You object? On what grounds? Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say. Rufus T. Firefly: Objection sustained. Prosecutor: Your majesty, you sustain the objection? Rufus T. Firefly: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
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Rufus T. Firefly: I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
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Rufus T. Firefly: And now, members of the cabinet... Rufus T. Firefly: we'll take up old business. Cabinet Member: I wish to discuss the tariff. Rufus T. Firefly: Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well... [pounds gavel] Rufus T. Firefly: we'll take up new business. Cabinet Member: Now, about that tariff... Rufus T. Firefly: Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
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Cabinet Member: The Department of Labor wishes to note that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours. Rufus T. Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.
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Mrs. Teasdale: Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you. Rufus T. Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
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Mrs. Teasdale: As chairman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. Rufus T. Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
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Rufus T. Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you. Chicolini: What job? Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War. Chicolini: All right, I take it. Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.
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Mrs. Teasdale: Your excellency, the ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart. Rufus T. Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him: he's still got the same face. Ambassador Trentino: I'm sorry we lost our tempers; I'm willing to forgot if you are. Rufus T. Firefly: Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again.
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Prosecutor: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes. Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes. Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars! Chicolini: Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!
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Rufus T. Firefly: [into radio] This is Rufus T. Firefly coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy. We're in a mess folks, we're in a mess. Rush to Freedonia! Three men and one woman are trapped in a building! Send help at once! If you can't send help, send two more women! [Pinky enters and raises three fingers] Rufus T. Firefly: Make that three more women!
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[reporting on shadowing Firefly] Chicolini: Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come he wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday HE go to the ball game, but we fool HIM, WE no show up. Thursday it was a double-header nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.
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Rufus T. Firefly: I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel! Now step on it!
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Ambassador Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly? Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound. Ambassador Trentino: Oh really? Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again!
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Rufus T. Firefly: Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Take a letter. Bob Roland: Who to? Rufus T. Firefly: To my dentist. [Roland writes out the following] Rufus T. Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately. Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first. Rufus T. Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.
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Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency! Rufus T. Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.